Have you ever been caught in the trap of saying ‘yes’ to everything, knowing deep down you have that feeling of uneasiness where you do not really want to say ‘yes?’ But you know you will feel bad if you don’t.

It’s like you feel torn. You can either give in and do it, succumbing to those around you (often to the detriment of your own needs), or say no, running the risk of feeling bad or making others unhappy.

I hear you. And I did this for a long, long time. The term ‘people pleaser’ is what you may have heard of and it can really stifle your health and wellbeing if you let it. 

Through interviewing a friend of mine recently, Annie Kallis Relationship Architect (check out our interview on my Youtube Channel here) on how to release guilt around doing things for yourself and improving relationships, this point was brought up for me as it’s something I still hear so much of with clients, colleagues and friends.

Why do we feel like we are letting people down if we say no? Where does this ‘guilt’ and perceived ‘selfishness’ come from? And why are we often torn in our actions between doing what’s right for us as individuals, or pleasing those around us?

If I think about it, the people I know who are good at saying no are grounded, assertive, and respect their own time and needs. They have healthy boundaries with their time given and you know they take care of themselves.

Turns out the connection between self-worth, self-esteem and being able to respect your time, energy and own needs is strong.

Annie made an excellent point that the ‘guilt’ we feel around these sorts of things is completely misconstrued anyway.

If you look up the actual meaning of ‘guilt,’ it says ‘responsible for a specific wrongdoing.’

It does not make tangible sense then, that we feel guilt around these common situations: 

• Taking time to exercise – common guilt: ‘I need to do the washing, make dinner, tidy the house, I have no time.’’
• Book a massage or facial ( a little self care!) – common guilt: ‘My partner can’t do that, so why should I? I can’t leave my kids that long,’ ‘I haven’t worked hard enough to deserve it,’ ‘I am too busy, there is too much to do.’
• Invest in our health or education – common guilt: ‘I do not have enough money,’ ‘I won’t spend on myself as my family needs the money,’ ‘I can figure it out myself.’ (If you could do it yourself, then why haven’t you?)
• I am tired/unwell but I have an event to attend – common guilt: ‘I will be letting them down,’ (ok, there are differing degrees of this, for example you would really try and attend a wedding that was paid for unless really sick or an emergency happened, but for social occasions or helping others, it’s best to reconsider if it is to your detriment at that time), ‘People will think less of me if I don’t go,’ ‘I will be judged,’ ‘They will talk about me.’

The list could go on, but these are just a few examples of guilt creeping into our mindset which ultimately creates negative or anxious emotions and a spiral of over-thinking that saps our energy and wellbeing.

In fact, every time you say ‘yes’ where you know instinctively you should not have, you are putting yourself down and disrespecting your true needs.

So what can we do about breaking the cycle of perceived guilt that we have taken on through other people’s and society’s beliefs around this?

Firstly, let go of being sucked in to the idea of guilt and the ‘being selfish’ in the first place. The way my friend Annie explained it made a lot of sense: Selfishness is ‘getting a positive result at the detriment of others.’ 

Hmmm, once again the meaning and what many people perceive as its meaning is misconstrued (just like the word ‘guilt.’) 

Sure, there are guilty and selfish people in the word, but when it comes to what we are talking about here, it’s unlikely that you taking time out for yourself is ‘selfish’ or worthy of feeling ‘guilty.’ And if anyone has a problem with it, it is actually their issue, not yours!

Secondly, rationalise each situation in your head. Take a step back and assess, why am I feeling guilty about this? Why am I torn? And are those reasons true in reality? Sometimes our mind can really over-analyse scenarios anyway, and if you put them on paper or take a step back without all the emotion, is the outcome really that bad?

Thirdly, take responsibility. All your thoughts, actions and patterns are from within you. If you feel something is not right or you are reacting in a way that is causing you pain or ill health in the long run, then ask for help and start to fill your mind and space with helpful education and people with similar values.

When you start to say ‘no’ to things that are not right for you, you are ultimately saying ‘yes’ to you. 

And in acknowledging your needs at any given time, you will feel a sense of empowerment, care and energy boost that real self-worth can give you. 

I hope you can take away some helpful tips here and if you have any questions, please post and I will get back to you! 

Have an awesome day wonderful people.